Should I “Start Over”?
“Starting over” has so many layers to it. It isn’t a matter of starting over or not. I think in life, you are starting over in small ways every moment. You’re refining a routine or your thought habits. You’re changing as a person every second, whether you see if or not.
I can be a horrid extremist, who either wants to throw it away and start from scratch, or I’m like a hoarder, so attached to my words and what I’ve built.
What you want is a tactic to salvage the pieces that work, and use those in your next version. It’s like editing, or sharpening, or shaving off pieces of a statue.
Examples:
1. Starting over in a project or assignment:
When you do have to “start over,” as in, let’s say your first experiment building a product was a shit disaster. Before you put it into the trashcan and never look back, extract that good that came from it. The order in which you do this may vary, but here are some steps.
STEP 1: Scan what has been done, and divide up all the components of what worked and didn’t work. Be harsh and truthful about what you want to achieve with this work of art. (I’ve written many papers, where half-way through, I don’t believe in my thesis but it’s too late to change it.)
Even if it doesn’t seem like it, there are parts that were working. And there is ton of info in why certain parts didn’t work.
STEP 2: New objective. Redefine the objects, or review what was the purpose of the assignment. Whether it’s your teacher’s rubric, or the problem statement or thesis you were personally trying to crack
STEP 3: Vomit out freshness. Write and create and don’t stop until you’re tired. Honestly, while this (And often I do this step first, and I find myself rewriting stuff I had already said, which is frustrating as hell. Hence, it’s good to do step one first 😅🥴)
2. Starting over in a friend group:
Sometimes we think we’ve outgrown people, or our friends don’t want to talk about the stuff we do. Or (I’ve experienced) I can’t be the most “recent” version of me because I have established myself in a different way. I relate heavily. There are certain friends I’ve had since high school who don’t want the philosophical convos I crave. There are 2 solutions:
STEP 1: Muster up the courage to say: “hey guys, this might be weird, but I want to talk about the meaning of life, or politics (whatever it is you crave). Share videos and articles. You’d be surprised that maybe they’ve been trying to get deep and have better conversations as well!
STEP 2: No shame in diversifying your friend group, and having different people for different needs!
In the words of Audrey Hepburn, never throw people away. I have friends from high school who I know would never want to dip into the grungy concert scene with me, but we find the laughs and the activity that we can enjoy. It’s okay if you have 4+ different groups who you do very different things with. If you can keep a relationship going for 15 years, and not be offended that these people are not “your number one,” you will be able to expand your way of thinking, and theirs.
I feel very happy and proud that Aditi and I have created the kind of environment we would have wanted to live in, as teenagers. It’s an environment where you can finally talk about the realest sh!t you’ve been craving. And there are teens from 37 countries, so naturally the abundance of opinions and perspectives is crazy interesting.
Sometimes, we become our true selves when we know no one in a situation. A new version of us was pining to come up, but we were limited by what people knew about us, and how we’re expected to behave in front of them. Also, it can be embarrassing to be “the new you” in front of people who’ve known you. They’ll raise their eyebrows. Explore yourself in a new environment, and you’ll come back to your old environment a little more confident. Those old friends will be glad you did! I’ve been able to become a very eccentric and interesting version of myself by doing this, and I think my oldest, oldest friends love me for bringing that to the table.
If you effed up and did some wrong things in a friend group, also try your best to come back from it. Spend sometime writing in detail about what you did wrong. You don’t have to show it to anyone. But when you speak to your friends again, you can be specific and honest about how you screwed up. Ask what they would like you to do to regain their trust. Be consistent and listen a lot to their needs.
Lastly, I’ve also had many students who realize that certain types of people are just not good for their mental health or future. If this is the case, you are going to have to work a bit hard to cut them off. It will be hard because it’s in your habit to be with them, you clearly enjoy them, and you don’t want to hurt them. Again, write by yourself, harshly admitting the things that are bad about this group, and what will become of you if you stay in that group. You don’t have to show them your harshest words, but it will give you insight to be specific when you talk to them. Re-read your words when you find yourself wanting to see those friends again. I would have an honest conversation with them, or send them a letter, and then block them. If you are going to school with them, it will definitely be a bit painful to pass them in the halls and at lunch.